sex and the single dad

I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a guy more deserving of an ass kicking!

My doctor is a hippie.  Swear to God.  Dude is balding on the top and has long, curly grey hair in the back.  I like him.  He’s cool.  He ordered an EEG for me.  I was cool with that—I’ve had one before.  What I didn’t realize until I actually scheduled the appointment was that this was a “sleep deprived EEG” which means I need to stay awake for at least 24 hours before the test.  That sucks.

The test was scheduled for this morning and I made it a point to get to bed at a decent hour Wednesday night so that I could be as rested as possible when I began my 24-hour adventure.  I arose at my usual 7 AM on Thursday, woke up Drama Queen and got ready for work.

After work and dinner I chatted a while with a Twitter friend and had a couple laughs.  I went into my room to put away some clean clothes and made sure that D.Q. was getting in the shower.  While she got clean I hopped onto the Mac and poked around various websites—chatting with a couple members of the VC Posse and read a few messages from them, wishing me luck as I attempted to stay awake tonight.

With D.Q. safely asleep I headed around the corner to Tim Hortons for a XL coffee.  If I was going to be successful at my endeavor, caffeine was to be my BFF for the night.  I grabbed the coffee (along with a donut) and headed to Wegmans A.K.A. the raddest grocery store in the world!  I needed a few things and now seemed as good a time as any to pick them up.

After coming home and putting away the groceries I jumped back on the laptop to see what was going on in the world.  Over on Twitter @redneckmommy and I were discussing how we were gonna get virtually hammered together on Saturday night, as our respective kids were having sleepovers at our respective houses.

@Mommywantsvodka Tweeted “really need to use more exclamation points. People will probably take me more seriously and maybe give me a car just for being special.”  @ThatKevinSmith said, “Just had a chicken sandwich at a WaffleHouse near Tulsa. They billed it as “the best”. Oddly, they may be right. Ask the 900 ft tall Jesus.”

Just before midnight I grabbed the doctors prescription for the EEG and set it on my wallet so I wouldn’t forget it in the morning.  I don’t know why I actually read it, but I did.  On it I found this: “No caffeine after midnight”.  Damn.  Now I was going to have to come up with another way to stay awake.  It’s a good thing I made my Tim’s run at 11:00 P.M.

12:08 AM:  Author (and Facebook friend) Dianne Sweeney engages me in a chat on FB so that we can strategize on a book project we’re discussing.  The conversation involves people voting for her first book, Kissing Frogs in Cyberspace, at http://www.wakeupcelebrityauthor.com , or rather why my FB friends aren’t voting for her.  The word “douche” was thrown about at some point.  Probably by me.

With caffeine out of the picture, I open one of the two packs of gummy worms that I just purchased at Wegmans.  Thank God for sugar!  I continue chatting with Dianne, then with my KLBC co-host Wes the Sports Guy.  It was now 1 AM and the first bag of gummy worms was gone.

My plan for the night was to run through a lot of the cool mommy and daddy blogs that I follow and I still haven’t gotten to them yet.  I run to refill my club soda and make a quick pit stop before starting down my list.

As I reached into the freezer for some ice I spy a bag of frozen buffalo wings.  I’m not really hungry, but they seem to be calling my name.  As I reach for the bag I heard another voice reminding me that I’m going to the Sabres game tonight and before the game I’m making my first ever trek to Anchor Bar, where buffalo wing originated.  If I’m having the real deal wings tonight I can’t have any posers now.  I shut the freezer door, proud of my decision to abstain.

The first blog on my trek is Run Pippi Run.  There I am introduced to the new trend of “vajazzeling”. Yeah, it’s probably just what you think it is. After Pippi it’s over to Clark Kent’s Lunchbox.  Ron is pimping his new book, Sugar Milk, what one dad drinks when he can’t afford vodka. The book hits stores at the end of this month.  Being a way-cool daddy blogger, I got an advanced copy and have read most of it.  Good stuff.  You should read it too.

Staying on the booze theme I headed over to Vodka Mom and a touching story of her daughters, Bitchy and Sassy.  No trip down the vodka aisle would be complete without reading Mommy Wants Vodka and her new post, Light And Airy, Like My Head.

Seeing as how it was now 1:30 AM and I had been staring at the screen of my laptop for a couple hours I decide to head back over to the couch to see what (if anything) was on TV.  Nothing was on (surprise, surprise) so I delved into the DVR vault and came up with an episode of Kitchen Nightmares from earlier in the night.

Gordon Ramsey is always good for a laugh, so I hit play and leaned back on the couch, being careful not to get too comfy.  Ramsey was at some dump in South Florida named Le Bistro and to say the owner was a huge tool would a big understatement!  Even though this guy was telling Gordon to go to hell, I still found myself getting sleepy. I went outside in the cool air, hoping it would help wake me up.

It’s now 2:36 AM and I’m multi-tasking.  I’m watching TV while on Twitter again, messing with @takinsportslb  (Wes the Sports Guy).  Ramsey needs to take the restaurant owner out back and go all soccer hooligan on him.  I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a guy more deserving of an ass kicking!

Speaking of ass kicking…3:21 AM and Kitchen Nightmares was over.  I decided to dish myself up a fairly hefty bowl of cookies and cream ice cream.  Before hitting the couch again I checked my e-mail, Facebook and Twitter, only to find out that nothing was happening.  What a shock.

Returning to the couch I clicked on some DVR’d Manhunters.  Tonight they were n Puerto Rico hunting down some dude named Casper.  Suffice it to say that with a murder under his belt, Casper may have been a ghost, but he was anything but friendly!  Time to hunt him down and click him!

4:04 AM and I was slowly getting closer to my EEG.  If I could just hold out these last 4 hours I was gonna be golden!  I went back to my desk and found that there was a new iTunes update.  I loaded the update as I scanned more blogs.  I couldn’t have caffeine but that wasn’t going to stop me from reading about my favorite caffeinated mom, Jenny on the Spot.  Today Jenny was blogging about her list of happy things.

Enough of the mom blogs (though there were still many more to get to).  I clicked over to Why is Daddy Crying, then on to Random Thoughts by my pal Jack.   I was so tired at this point that I so wanted to climb into bed and say F the whole EEG, but I didn’t.  I couldn’t.  I needed this test done properly and for that I needed to stay up.

I decided to whip out my copy of Sugar Milk and try to finish reading it.  That didn’t work so well.  After sitting on the couch and getting relatively comfortable I cracked the book open and started where I finished the day before.  It was no use.  Five minutes later I was still reading the same paragraph, somehow unable to focus my eyes and actually pay attention.  It was now 5:18; I am so freakin tired that I’m willing to try anything, so I turn on the shower (not too warm) and climb in to relieve my sore body.

When I stepped into the shower my body ached,  It wasn’t an ache like I had just gotten done playing hockey but rather that restless leg, I’m-so-freakin-tired-I-just-wanna-sleep-until-noon ache.  25 minutes later when I stepped out I felt a ton better.  Not great.  But better.

I threw my sweats on and curled up on the couch.  This was the home stretch.  It was almost 6 AM and I had to get Drama Queen up at 7 and catch my taxi at 7:30 (they won’t le t you drive home after the test). I watched some Chelsea Lately and laughed the final hour away.

Somehow I was able to make it the whole night without sleeping.  I got to my test and was told that it went well.  I hopped my taxi back and crawled into bed.  Not two hours later my phone rang.  It was my boss.  I ignored it.  Dude called four times in five minutes and I answered the fourth call.

He was upset because I have a customer in Washington D.C. who just received a package I overnighted him and it has the wrong thing inside.  He wanted to know “Where the hell” I got the item from?  I paused and said “From you.  You handed it to me personally.”  Dead silence.

I apologized for not answering the phone the fist three times but reminded him that I stayed up all night and had my test this morning.  Instead of asking how I was or how it went, he simply asked, “You’re coming in to work tomorrow, right?”  God I hate my job…

J.R.

P.S.  There are so many great blogs that I didn’t get to.  Look down the right side of this page and you will see a list of awesome blogs for you to check out…

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!